Hooray for Bedtime. And I don't mean my own.

Hello, folks. It's been a minute. Or two. I am, in fact, still alive. I have started about twenty posts since the last one that made it to the blog, but I just haven't had the time, desire, or words to finish them. I think it may be good for me to actually complete one.

I never did a twelve month post for the Hadster. To be honest, I couldn't tell you her weight or height from her one year checkup now to save my life. I imagine it was written down on the little souvenir sticker you get at each visit, but Haddie probably ate it or something of that fashion.

Since we last caught up, Haddie has grown. Obviously. We celebrated a first birthday. Started walking. Moved up to the toddler room at school. Expanded the vocabulary to about ten words. Turned the car seat around. Gave up the bottle. Sprouted a total of twelve teeth. Kicked the high chair to curb. Had a stomach virus, RSV (again), and an endless snotty nose. Learned to give kisses and high fives. Developed quite the temper and attitude, that is evened out by the cutest little personality. Don't get me wrong it isn't always marshmallows and sunshine.

Being a mom is hard.

Being a single mom is harder.

I think it is fair to add a little "-er" to the end of that word. I am not taking away from the families who have a tag team. Raising a child is extremely exhausting and just as rewarding no matter what your situation is. But I think it is probably nice to call in backup at least once a day. I obviously didn't set out to be in this position, but I like to think that I find the best in all situations. Sometimes, I look back and wonder how I got this far and made it out with a smile. There were definitely tears and headaches. But when being strong is your only option, you just step up. Enough of the past. I'm moving forward. I've learned many lessons and see lots of brightness in my future. There are many changes going on in life lately. I'm pretty excited to see what is in store for Haddie and I.

Now for the explanation of the title of this post. Have I said that being a Mom is hard? Let me say that Haddie is, without a doubt, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. No one could have prepared me for the love and connection that I would share with this little human. She has helped to make me the strong person that I am today. Taught me how to truly be selfless. Shown me what true love feels like. And also, made me appreciate her bed time.

I can only speak for myself, but after reading many other blogs, I think I am probably not alone. I am exhausted. After a day of tripping over toys, picking up four boxes worth of Cheerios off the floor that were dumped from the "spill-proof" snack cup, mopping the floor for the third time that day after half the lunch was thrown to the floor, reading the same book thirty times in a row, changing the poop diaper five minutes after it was freshly put on, squirting medicine into a screaming mouth hoping it gets swallowed, I would (and do) do it all over again every day just to get one of her snot covered kisses on the lips from out of nowhere.

I have read certain articles and posts that try to make me feel guilty for checking Facebook in her presence, feeding her french fries and chicken nuggets during our Walmart trip just to keep her quiet, not breastfeeding her until she is in middle school, vaccinating her so she won't contract illness and diseases, among other things. I have said before that I think moms in today's society are under constant attack. Sadly, it is mostly from each other. But I don't need them to make me feel guilty. I do enough of that myself.

I am not the mother I always thought I would be. In some ways for the best, and in some ways probably not for the better. I deal with that guilt every day. The biggest struggle I have is feeling guilty about feeling guilty. On those days where I just want to hide in the closet, I beat my self up about feeling that way in the first place. I have to tell my self that it is OK to feel that way. I am only human. At the end of the day, Haddie loves me and she knows that I love her. She waves at me each morning, kisses me during the day, and snuggles with me at bedtime. And I cherish that.

Motherhood is not a walk in the park. You will want to pull your hair out, cry, scream and hide in small dark places. A lot. But that will all be overshadowed by the love that you feel in one small moment. I am so beyond blessed to have Haddie. Even if I sometimes want to put her to bed a few minutes early.

If you are still here from my personal rambling therapy session, thanks for hanging in there. If you are a fellow mama, I hope that you can relate. It is nice to know that you aren't alone sometimes. I hope to visit the ole blog a little more frequently. Perhaps a first birthday post is in the future. We shall see. This little blog of mine has been around longer than any journal I ever had. I'm kind of attached. It has been there through my trials the past couple of years. It is strange to go back and see where I thought my life was, to read the ways I was sugar coating things, and how I was trying to put every thing out there without revealing too much once I accepted how things were.

Thanks for listening.